Lately I have been looking at pictures from when Landon was a baby.
I find myself walking down memory lane and seeing how much has happened in such a short amount of time.
It really caught my attention when I saw a picture of me a few weeks after Landon was born. It is embarrassing to look at that picture and know that it was me. It's funny. I hated the way I looked because it wasn't me at all! It wasn't what I wanted to be. It just wasn't ME as a person! When I looked in the mirror I used to think, "What body did they morph me into?"
I am sure that every woman has gone through this, but I felt like I had lost control... willingly lost control. And I'm not just talking about portion control at mealtime, but control of my life and the things happening in it.
A huge lesson I was taught was that I couldn't control anyone else's actions, but I could my own and that was the key to my happiness. I think back and realize that I wasn't really happy and was used to waking up every morning and putting on a face for the world. But it was exhausting. I am grateful that I finally refused to continue putting on that mask and face the problems head on not caring who might find out that our lives weren't perfect as all expected to find. That's when I started to become happy even though the process was painful. I learned how to stand up for myself and took the time to come to terms with all the promises that were made and were falling by the wayside, unfulfilled while I was left holding mine alone. I finally saw that for years I had been acting like life was good when in my reality it was falling apart. Not only was I loosing pieces of myself but I was giving away so much more than that.
I now love where I'm at. I love who I am.
And am grateful for the journey that has brought me to this point.
I know that there are people who don't understand why I decided to file for divorce and never will, but in the end I did it for Landon and I. I did it because I had tried to hide the problems that had been going on since day one of our relationship and was tired of carrying the burden of appearing perfect and happy when I was crumbling inside and in our relationship. I realize now that I wasn't a good mom to Landon because I was trying to focus all my energy into my relationship problems and trials instead of being the best mom I could be. When I finally gave it over to the Lord I was given the answer of what I had been praying and studying for... even though I had received the answer earlier I didn't like the answer and so kept pursuing another one... but finally knew that no matter how hard it was going to be, it would be worth it.
And it has been worth it.
While talking to my step mom, Ruth, last time I was with them, I realized that when I was unhappy on the inside that I was unhappy with how I looked on the outside too. But when I became happy on the inside that I became happy with the outside in return. I found that ironic and a surprising aha moment for me.
Thank you Ruth for helping me find/realize that one.
Then I am amazed to find how much Landon has grown.
I am so happy to see he's a healthy, active little young man with a big heart,
which it seems to grow with his age.
From the making cooing noises and spontaneous smiles he used to give us...
to the toothy grins and learning to walk around...
to the times he learned to smile for the camera and learn to climb on things....
to digging and playing in the dirt in search of rolly pollys and worms...
to making farting and car vrooming noises while in church.
hahaha
We have both grown so much.
I have grown back into who I was all along
but seemed to have been slipping away over the years.
Landon is growing and playing as hard as ever.
He is growing both physically and mentally, but also spiritually.
He now reminds me to say prayers at night before story time.
I hope that it sticks through the years he has ahead of him.
Here's a look at the past...
to the present...
and the future is to come... who knows what it might hold. :)
I find myself walking down memory lane and seeing how much has happened in such a short amount of time.
It really caught my attention when I saw a picture of me a few weeks after Landon was born. It is embarrassing to look at that picture and know that it was me. It's funny. I hated the way I looked because it wasn't me at all! It wasn't what I wanted to be. It just wasn't ME as a person! When I looked in the mirror I used to think, "What body did they morph me into?"
I am sure that every woman has gone through this, but I felt like I had lost control... willingly lost control. And I'm not just talking about portion control at mealtime, but control of my life and the things happening in it.
A huge lesson I was taught was that I couldn't control anyone else's actions, but I could my own and that was the key to my happiness. I think back and realize that I wasn't really happy and was used to waking up every morning and putting on a face for the world. But it was exhausting. I am grateful that I finally refused to continue putting on that mask and face the problems head on not caring who might find out that our lives weren't perfect as all expected to find. That's when I started to become happy even though the process was painful. I learned how to stand up for myself and took the time to come to terms with all the promises that were made and were falling by the wayside, unfulfilled while I was left holding mine alone. I finally saw that for years I had been acting like life was good when in my reality it was falling apart. Not only was I loosing pieces of myself but I was giving away so much more than that.
I now love where I'm at. I love who I am.
And am grateful for the journey that has brought me to this point.
I know that there are people who don't understand why I decided to file for divorce and never will, but in the end I did it for Landon and I. I did it because I had tried to hide the problems that had been going on since day one of our relationship and was tired of carrying the burden of appearing perfect and happy when I was crumbling inside and in our relationship. I realize now that I wasn't a good mom to Landon because I was trying to focus all my energy into my relationship problems and trials instead of being the best mom I could be. When I finally gave it over to the Lord I was given the answer of what I had been praying and studying for... even though I had received the answer earlier I didn't like the answer and so kept pursuing another one... but finally knew that no matter how hard it was going to be, it would be worth it.
And it has been worth it.
While talking to my step mom, Ruth, last time I was with them, I realized that when I was unhappy on the inside that I was unhappy with how I looked on the outside too. But when I became happy on the inside that I became happy with the outside in return. I found that ironic and a surprising aha moment for me.
Thank you Ruth for helping me find/realize that one.
Then I am amazed to find how much Landon has grown.
I am so happy to see he's a healthy, active little young man with a big heart,
which it seems to grow with his age.
From the making cooing noises and spontaneous smiles he used to give us...
to the toothy grins and learning to walk around...
to the times he learned to smile for the camera and learn to climb on things....
to digging and playing in the dirt in search of rolly pollys and worms...
to making farting and car vrooming noises while in church.
hahaha
We have both grown so much.
I have grown back into who I was all along
but seemed to have been slipping away over the years.
Landon is growing and playing as hard as ever.
He is growing both physically and mentally, but also spiritually.
He now reminds me to say prayers at night before story time.
I hope that it sticks through the years he has ahead of him.
Here's a look at the past...
to the present...
and the future is to come... who knows what it might hold. :)
I am grateful for the past and the knowledge, strength, and experience it's given me.
I am hopeful for the future and the journey I have in front of me and my family.
I am hopeful for the future and the journey I have in front of me and my family.
2 comments:
I love this blog update! Best ever.... & very inspirational & I love the pictures
It is so true that we seem to lose ourselves in having children. I'm still struggling with "where is my body" after having Hyrum. You are doing so great!
And it seems like you are finding your spirit to . . who Autumn really is. It took me until I was 32 with 4 kids before I took the time to really find me. I'm glad it isn't taking that long for you. Knowing who you are seems to make life so much easier to handle, struggles and all.
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