I have recently moved into my sister's house in Pasco. Now a 3 bedroom home holds 5 of us, 3 adults and 2 children. Linzey and Landon share a room and I get my own (which I didn't think would happen again!). This happened due to a number of reason, but in the end it is good for me and my sister's family.
I have started to walk with my sister on a daily basis, either in the mornings or evenings. I prefer the mornings. It helps wake me up. And, believe me, it's nicer in the morning (and quieter) with less traffic (which is nice because I truly roll out of bed to go walking). We have walked up to 4 miles in an hour the first night we went walking... that about did us in. Our legs felt like jello by the end, but since then we've been doing well.
I have joined Mary Kay as a consultant and LOVE the product. Not only do I feel more beautiful (which if you don't know me, this has always been a struggle), but I am able to help others feel beautiful too! I have taught my sister some tips of putting on makeup and have loved every minute of it so far. I can't wait to finally get my Mary Kay Car, which is what I am working for. So watch out world! Here I come with all my makeup to make-over everyone and improve their self-confidence, just as mine has been boosted!
I have also got my computer working again! Whoo hoo! This is a huge thing because all of Landon's baby pictures were on there! I didn't have any up to this point with Landon as a baby unless I had printed them off or put them on my google account. So this is amazing for me and believe me I will be working on burning them all onto CDs to keep them safe and reachable!
I am planning a trip to see a good, dear friend in Tuscan. I haven't been anywhere south of Utah, so I am so stoked to go somewhere that I've not been before, see someone I haven't seen in over a decade, and experience some things I've not experience before. This would include the HOT weather down there, riding a bus as a mode of transportation, and traveling on my own which doesn't scare me or intimidate me at all. I am hoping that this area will be void of cockroaches and that that isn't in the plans of experiencing new things! hahaha I am so excited and can't wait for the chance to finally have it be reality instead of a hope. Plus I am going to be able to see the place where a fictional character, Jadera, is based out of and know that swingset that Julian was killed at! I know you have no idea what I'm saying, but once it's published I will be handing out copies of the book! Then you will understand this. :)
I am continuing to love life and take one day at a time. It's funny how when you're looking forward to something the time seems to barely move, but when you fear some event the times seems to rush by... I hate that in a way. But life is good.
Landon is doing well and enjoying his own bed and getting used to calling Uncle and Auntie's home his own. He knows how to say most of the alphabet and can count to 10 (but always misses the 6!). He is as cute as ever, but very tenderhearted as of late. He continues to be a grouch in the mornings and a owl at nights. That was inherited from his father I assure you.
I still love chocolate (rolos are my favorite now), reading, dancing around, and folding laundry while I sit and visit or watch tv. I weed when I get frustrated and need to release some frustration. I love gardening and seeing the fruits of my labor. I have always felt very close to animals and have been fascinated with their behavior and movements. I could sit there forever and watch an ant, cat, eagle, or zebra (which I have seen just a couple of days ago in Pasco! believe it or not, but I did!). My favorite animal of all is the horse. I think they are beautiful, funny, graceful, and amazing animals that like to rest, play, work, and everything in between. I love riding them, observing, and enjoy them immensely.
Life is full of wonderful joys and I try to find them and enjoy them while they are still there. Lately we've been taking trips with the whole family (Thomas, Leah, Linzey, Landon and I) to look at houses and different parks and as we have started this we have also seen 2 deer (buck and doe), a skunk, ducks, geese, and a zebra. It's fun for the kids and us and makes for great family bonding and enjoying of one another's company. I also have become addicted to the Jack in the Box Smoothie which is HECKA EXPENSIVE, but oh so good. ;)
I have come up with a recent discovery... pickles keep me up at night if I eat them too late. Yep... I know... dumb thing, but maybe it'll help those of you that haven't figured out what the heck it is that is keeping you up. The last 2 nights I have had pickles right before I go to bed or soon before, and I toss and turn, restless all night. It drives me nuts! Especially when I am getting up to go walking in the morning and NEED sleep! :)
That's the update for now... tune in till next time.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Reflection on Past, Grateful for Present, Hopeful for Future...
Lately I have been looking at pictures from when Landon was a baby.
I find myself walking down memory lane and seeing how much has happened in such a short amount of time.
It really caught my attention when I saw a picture of me a few weeks after Landon was born. It is embarrassing to look at that picture and know that it was me. It's funny. I hated the way I looked because it wasn't me at all! It wasn't what I wanted to be. It just wasn't ME as a person! When I looked in the mirror I used to think, "What body did they morph me into?"
I am sure that every woman has gone through this, but I felt like I had lost control... willingly lost control. And I'm not just talking about portion control at mealtime, but control of my life and the things happening in it.
A huge lesson I was taught was that I couldn't control anyone else's actions, but I could my own and that was the key to my happiness. I think back and realize that I wasn't really happy and was used to waking up every morning and putting on a face for the world. But it was exhausting. I am grateful that I finally refused to continue putting on that mask and face the problems head on not caring who might find out that our lives weren't perfect as all expected to find. That's when I started to become happy even though the process was painful. I learned how to stand up for myself and took the time to come to terms with all the promises that were made and were falling by the wayside, unfulfilled while I was left holding mine alone. I finally saw that for years I had been acting like life was good when in my reality it was falling apart. Not only was I loosing pieces of myself but I was giving away so much more than that.
I now love where I'm at. I love who I am.
And am grateful for the journey that has brought me to this point.
I know that there are people who don't understand why I decided to file for divorce and never will, but in the end I did it for Landon and I. I did it because I had tried to hide the problems that had been going on since day one of our relationship and was tired of carrying the burden of appearing perfect and happy when I was crumbling inside and in our relationship. I realize now that I wasn't a good mom to Landon because I was trying to focus all my energy into my relationship problems and trials instead of being the best mom I could be. When I finally gave it over to the Lord I was given the answer of what I had been praying and studying for... even though I had received the answer earlier I didn't like the answer and so kept pursuing another one... but finally knew that no matter how hard it was going to be, it would be worth it.
And it has been worth it.
While talking to my step mom, Ruth, last time I was with them, I realized that when I was unhappy on the inside that I was unhappy with how I looked on the outside too. But when I became happy on the inside that I became happy with the outside in return. I found that ironic and a surprising aha moment for me.
Thank you Ruth for helping me find/realize that one.
Then I am amazed to find how much Landon has grown.
I am so happy to see he's a healthy, active little young man with a big heart,
which it seems to grow with his age.
From the making cooing noises and spontaneous smiles he used to give us...
to the toothy grins and learning to walk around...
to the times he learned to smile for the camera and learn to climb on things....
to digging and playing in the dirt in search of rolly pollys and worms...
to making farting and car vrooming noises while in church.
hahaha
We have both grown so much.
I have grown back into who I was all along
but seemed to have been slipping away over the years.
Landon is growing and playing as hard as ever.
He is growing both physically and mentally, but also spiritually.
He now reminds me to say prayers at night before story time.
I hope that it sticks through the years he has ahead of him.
Here's a look at the past...
to the present...
and the future is to come... who knows what it might hold. :)
I find myself walking down memory lane and seeing how much has happened in such a short amount of time.
It really caught my attention when I saw a picture of me a few weeks after Landon was born. It is embarrassing to look at that picture and know that it was me. It's funny. I hated the way I looked because it wasn't me at all! It wasn't what I wanted to be. It just wasn't ME as a person! When I looked in the mirror I used to think, "What body did they morph me into?"
I am sure that every woman has gone through this, but I felt like I had lost control... willingly lost control. And I'm not just talking about portion control at mealtime, but control of my life and the things happening in it.
A huge lesson I was taught was that I couldn't control anyone else's actions, but I could my own and that was the key to my happiness. I think back and realize that I wasn't really happy and was used to waking up every morning and putting on a face for the world. But it was exhausting. I am grateful that I finally refused to continue putting on that mask and face the problems head on not caring who might find out that our lives weren't perfect as all expected to find. That's when I started to become happy even though the process was painful. I learned how to stand up for myself and took the time to come to terms with all the promises that were made and were falling by the wayside, unfulfilled while I was left holding mine alone. I finally saw that for years I had been acting like life was good when in my reality it was falling apart. Not only was I loosing pieces of myself but I was giving away so much more than that.
I now love where I'm at. I love who I am.
And am grateful for the journey that has brought me to this point.
I know that there are people who don't understand why I decided to file for divorce and never will, but in the end I did it for Landon and I. I did it because I had tried to hide the problems that had been going on since day one of our relationship and was tired of carrying the burden of appearing perfect and happy when I was crumbling inside and in our relationship. I realize now that I wasn't a good mom to Landon because I was trying to focus all my energy into my relationship problems and trials instead of being the best mom I could be. When I finally gave it over to the Lord I was given the answer of what I had been praying and studying for... even though I had received the answer earlier I didn't like the answer and so kept pursuing another one... but finally knew that no matter how hard it was going to be, it would be worth it.
And it has been worth it.
While talking to my step mom, Ruth, last time I was with them, I realized that when I was unhappy on the inside that I was unhappy with how I looked on the outside too. But when I became happy on the inside that I became happy with the outside in return. I found that ironic and a surprising aha moment for me.
Thank you Ruth for helping me find/realize that one.
Then I am amazed to find how much Landon has grown.
I am so happy to see he's a healthy, active little young man with a big heart,
which it seems to grow with his age.
From the making cooing noises and spontaneous smiles he used to give us...
to the toothy grins and learning to walk around...
to the times he learned to smile for the camera and learn to climb on things....
to digging and playing in the dirt in search of rolly pollys and worms...
to making farting and car vrooming noises while in church.
hahaha
We have both grown so much.
I have grown back into who I was all along
but seemed to have been slipping away over the years.
Landon is growing and playing as hard as ever.
He is growing both physically and mentally, but also spiritually.
He now reminds me to say prayers at night before story time.
I hope that it sticks through the years he has ahead of him.
Here's a look at the past...
to the present...
and the future is to come... who knows what it might hold. :)
I am grateful for the past and the knowledge, strength, and experience it's given me.
I am hopeful for the future and the journey I have in front of me and my family.
I am hopeful for the future and the journey I have in front of me and my family.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Treking on...
I know that I've been horrible the last couple of weeks in posting updates, but the truth is that I haven't found much time for anything besides work, church, Mary Kay, and family of course. So the hobby of Blogging has started to be switched to the back burner while I try to become a better mother, daughter of God, business owner, and employee. So I hope you understand and don't become upset. Here are a few highlights of the past 2 weeks:
Sickness: Landon became sick last week on Tuesday, Wednesday and then started getting better on Thursday with the vomit/diarrhea flu. Right when he started to get better I fell sick with it on Wednesday night and after having the same symptoms found myself passed out on the floor, alone, at 3:30am not knowing how I got there. (Note: that night my sister and brother-in-law came over and got Landon because I didn't have the energy to do much of anything and was constantly in the bathroom, so he was fine and in good hands) After finding the energy to get up I realized I had passed out. I remember laying down on the bed because I was getting lightheaded, but must have gotten up and knocked over a lamp and then fell on the ground after I blacked out. I crawled to my bed and called my sister to come take me to the ER. I had been on the toilet and depositing the contents of my stomach into a small empty garbage container which was glued to my stomach until I got to the ER. I near-fainted when they were taking me to the room so I was wheeled into my room in a wheelchair (which is still highly embarrassing... something that didn't even occur after I had Landon). But soon found myself joking with the nurse about not recognizing the doctor's name who was going to be seeing me. Because I work at a funeral home, we work with the doctors at the hospitals to fill out the Cause of Death Worksheets for each of our cases and I hadn't run across a time where I had to work with this Dr. I even made the nurse laugh a couple of times, which told you how even at my lowest, I can still find humor to cheer me up. After an IV 3 shots (1 for nausea and 2 non-vomiting medicine) I was released. Went home and crashed until my sister dropped Landon off before she went to work. Then came pink eye on Friday night into Saturday morning. He woke up Saturday with both eyes matted shut by mucus. I felt horrible for the little guys. His left eye was swollen and red too. I took him in and got drops that we're doing for 7 days, 4 times a day. Now he has a cold... or just a cough and runny nose. The cough becomes HORRIBLE at night though. I have the humidifier running all night long on high right beside his bead and put Vicks on his his chest before he goes to sleep, as well as a dose of Nighttime Cough Medicine before he goes down. It still doesn't seem to help though. I will take him in again in the next couple of days if that doesn't get better. But lets hope that a 4th doctor appointment doesn't happen in this 2 week period.
Mary Kay: I became a new Consultant for the Mary Kay Makeup and Cosmetics Products. I am working toward my first Mary Kay car now!!! I am LOVING the experience this is giving me to meet with amazing women and be recognized for the work and effort I choose to put into my business. I love the product and can't tell you how amazed I am that before Mary Kay I just washed my face with water in the shower and then put baby lotion on compared to now when my face feels and looks so much better and smoother and I do my makeup every day. I love playing with makeup and teaching others how to do their makeup to compliment their face and color. The product speaks for itself. I am glad that I am a part of Noelle Jensen and Tara Nebeker's team. They are amazing women and my role models in this business. One of the best things about this company is that Mary Kay Ash, the founder's policy was always that Family came first, Faith second, and Business third. And it's true and I have seen this policy ring true even with the small amount of time I've been in it.
Changes: I am in the process of making some lifestyle changes. With these changes comes good things, but at the same time sad things that I have to give up. I will write more about this later next week sometime when it's more concrete.
Dating: yeah... not really any changes. I haven't been on a date in a while, but am not overly anxious due to the experiences I've had in this area.... so I'm just happy and busy in life right now.
Friends: How can you not have friends without drama? lol... I have gained some amazing friends and some I would even consider adopted sisters. Cheryl is my friend since soon after moving to the Tri-Cities area and I have come to love her more and more. She is amazing and has such an infectious smile that penetrates my gray days. She gives more of herself than I have seen in a lifetime and is close to the Lord as is her family and husband. Tiffany is my friend from work who is so funny and gives me my "daily scripture" over the phone most every day. She loves to laugh and have fun and we have a lot in common in a lot of areas of our lives. Sean is my long time friend from junior high in St. Louis, Missouri, who still tollerates my calling at odd hours because I need to know the next happenings of his book or had a funny joke I wanted to tell. He's a great friend and definitely has his hands full of more women than I can keep straight, so it's good to be the one that he doesn't have to stress out about and can talk to about relationship problems. He's the one I call when I need to fume or vent or even when I just want to talk about nothing at all. Sean's the best friend a girl could ask for. Even after a decade of not seeing eachother we still find a way to stay in contact. Noelle is my newest friend and also my Mary Kay Consultant. She serves with me on the Young Woman's Girls Camp Planning Meetings we have and she has such an inviting presence and can make you feel loved, appreciated, and hopeful for the future. She is caring and passionate about the things she loves and the goals she has.
Work: work has been slow! I get a case or two, here or there... but it boils down to sitting at a desk all day imputting information from books into the computer just to windle away the time and I find myself fighting off sleeping by singing to music and walking around the chapel or upper offices.
Family: After 10 years my older sister, April, finally left her husband. This is a HUGE step for her because she has been in an abusive relationship for over a decade and finally had the strength and willpower to leave. I am so proud of her and know that there will be people and family alike out there that will try to put her down and critisize what she is doing, but it is worth it not having to fear when you'll be struck next or when the next "episode" will be. Now you don't have to say you hit your eye while opening the trunk of your car or that you bumped into something. You deserve to be happy April. You deserve to be loved and not hurt. You are a special daughter of our Father in Heaven and he loves you. Grandma is up there cheering you on in your quest to start over on your own and I hope you keep that in mind when things get bad, which they will. You made the right decision and I pray you will stick with it and follow though. You can be happy and healthy and safe! It's possible... maybe not easy with all the drama going on in your life right now, but definitely worth it in the end. I love you April and am here 24/7 as you know. You have lots of friends that will assist and help you with anything that you need. Never forget that.
Then there's my younger sister, Leah... what can I say about her. She is amazing. She has done so much for me that I don't know where to begin to thank her or start paying her back. She loved me even when she hated the decisions I was making. She took me back before a blink of an eye... she is strong, beautiful, loving, and compassionate beyond description. She is a huge model in my life. She has grown into an amazing wife and mother and continues to develop and grow into an even more confident, caring individual. She is "the smartest person I know" (inside joke) and I can't explain how much she means to me and how much I look up to her as a sister and most importantly as a friend. Thank you Leah a thousand times, thank you.
Sickness: Landon became sick last week on Tuesday, Wednesday and then started getting better on Thursday with the vomit/diarrhea flu. Right when he started to get better I fell sick with it on Wednesday night and after having the same symptoms found myself passed out on the floor, alone, at 3:30am not knowing how I got there. (Note: that night my sister and brother-in-law came over and got Landon because I didn't have the energy to do much of anything and was constantly in the bathroom, so he was fine and in good hands) After finding the energy to get up I realized I had passed out. I remember laying down on the bed because I was getting lightheaded, but must have gotten up and knocked over a lamp and then fell on the ground after I blacked out. I crawled to my bed and called my sister to come take me to the ER. I had been on the toilet and depositing the contents of my stomach into a small empty garbage container which was glued to my stomach until I got to the ER. I near-fainted when they were taking me to the room so I was wheeled into my room in a wheelchair (which is still highly embarrassing... something that didn't even occur after I had Landon). But soon found myself joking with the nurse about not recognizing the doctor's name who was going to be seeing me. Because I work at a funeral home, we work with the doctors at the hospitals to fill out the Cause of Death Worksheets for each of our cases and I hadn't run across a time where I had to work with this Dr. I even made the nurse laugh a couple of times, which told you how even at my lowest, I can still find humor to cheer me up. After an IV 3 shots (1 for nausea and 2 non-vomiting medicine) I was released. Went home and crashed until my sister dropped Landon off before she went to work. Then came pink eye on Friday night into Saturday morning. He woke up Saturday with both eyes matted shut by mucus. I felt horrible for the little guys. His left eye was swollen and red too. I took him in and got drops that we're doing for 7 days, 4 times a day. Now he has a cold... or just a cough and runny nose. The cough becomes HORRIBLE at night though. I have the humidifier running all night long on high right beside his bead and put Vicks on his his chest before he goes to sleep, as well as a dose of Nighttime Cough Medicine before he goes down. It still doesn't seem to help though. I will take him in again in the next couple of days if that doesn't get better. But lets hope that a 4th doctor appointment doesn't happen in this 2 week period.
Mary Kay: I became a new Consultant for the Mary Kay Makeup and Cosmetics Products. I am working toward my first Mary Kay car now!!! I am LOVING the experience this is giving me to meet with amazing women and be recognized for the work and effort I choose to put into my business. I love the product and can't tell you how amazed I am that before Mary Kay I just washed my face with water in the shower and then put baby lotion on compared to now when my face feels and looks so much better and smoother and I do my makeup every day. I love playing with makeup and teaching others how to do their makeup to compliment their face and color. The product speaks for itself. I am glad that I am a part of Noelle Jensen and Tara Nebeker's team. They are amazing women and my role models in this business. One of the best things about this company is that Mary Kay Ash, the founder's policy was always that Family came first, Faith second, and Business third. And it's true and I have seen this policy ring true even with the small amount of time I've been in it.
Changes: I am in the process of making some lifestyle changes. With these changes comes good things, but at the same time sad things that I have to give up. I will write more about this later next week sometime when it's more concrete.
Dating: yeah... not really any changes. I haven't been on a date in a while, but am not overly anxious due to the experiences I've had in this area.... so I'm just happy and busy in life right now.
Friends: How can you not have friends without drama? lol... I have gained some amazing friends and some I would even consider adopted sisters. Cheryl is my friend since soon after moving to the Tri-Cities area and I have come to love her more and more. She is amazing and has such an infectious smile that penetrates my gray days. She gives more of herself than I have seen in a lifetime and is close to the Lord as is her family and husband. Tiffany is my friend from work who is so funny and gives me my "daily scripture" over the phone most every day. She loves to laugh and have fun and we have a lot in common in a lot of areas of our lives. Sean is my long time friend from junior high in St. Louis, Missouri, who still tollerates my calling at odd hours because I need to know the next happenings of his book or had a funny joke I wanted to tell. He's a great friend and definitely has his hands full of more women than I can keep straight, so it's good to be the one that he doesn't have to stress out about and can talk to about relationship problems. He's the one I call when I need to fume or vent or even when I just want to talk about nothing at all. Sean's the best friend a girl could ask for. Even after a decade of not seeing eachother we still find a way to stay in contact. Noelle is my newest friend and also my Mary Kay Consultant. She serves with me on the Young Woman's Girls Camp Planning Meetings we have and she has such an inviting presence and can make you feel loved, appreciated, and hopeful for the future. She is caring and passionate about the things she loves and the goals she has.
Work: work has been slow! I get a case or two, here or there... but it boils down to sitting at a desk all day imputting information from books into the computer just to windle away the time and I find myself fighting off sleeping by singing to music and walking around the chapel or upper offices.
Family: After 10 years my older sister, April, finally left her husband. This is a HUGE step for her because she has been in an abusive relationship for over a decade and finally had the strength and willpower to leave. I am so proud of her and know that there will be people and family alike out there that will try to put her down and critisize what she is doing, but it is worth it not having to fear when you'll be struck next or when the next "episode" will be. Now you don't have to say you hit your eye while opening the trunk of your car or that you bumped into something. You deserve to be happy April. You deserve to be loved and not hurt. You are a special daughter of our Father in Heaven and he loves you. Grandma is up there cheering you on in your quest to start over on your own and I hope you keep that in mind when things get bad, which they will. You made the right decision and I pray you will stick with it and follow though. You can be happy and healthy and safe! It's possible... maybe not easy with all the drama going on in your life right now, but definitely worth it in the end. I love you April and am here 24/7 as you know. You have lots of friends that will assist and help you with anything that you need. Never forget that.
Then there's my younger sister, Leah... what can I say about her. She is amazing. She has done so much for me that I don't know where to begin to thank her or start paying her back. She loved me even when she hated the decisions I was making. She took me back before a blink of an eye... she is strong, beautiful, loving, and compassionate beyond description. She is a huge model in my life. She has grown into an amazing wife and mother and continues to develop and grow into an even more confident, caring individual. She is "the smartest person I know" (inside joke) and I can't explain how much she means to me and how much I look up to her as a sister and most importantly as a friend. Thank you Leah a thousand times, thank you.
That's the update. I will post again next week. Keep your fingers crossed. =)
Yeah... so that's my life... and I love it.
Yeah... so that's my life... and I love it.
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