Expecting Again!.... (not me)

Yesterday was a day of personal reflection and nostalgia. My sister, Leah, called me yesterday after her ultrasound and announced that she was having a Boy! So my excitement was peaked because now I was able to drag out those boxes and boxes of clothes I had saved after Landon had outgrown them. For a while I thought they would NEVER get used again (*chuckles to oneself*) and that the boxes and containers were always going to take up room and continue with me through move after move. But yesterday I finally dug through my storage boxes to get one that had the infant clothes inside. As I sat and folded the clothes to make them look nicer for Leah to go through... I realized something surprising and a little disturbing. I don't remember Landon being that small. I know that I see him as a newborn in pictures and everything... but I don't remember holding his small little body in my arms and how it felt so fragile. I just don't remember him being able to fit into some of those newborn clothes! I don't know whether I'm suffering from loss of memory (which many woman and men have said happens when you have children) or whether I'm developing some form of premature Alzheimer's... but it's a little unnerving either way. You see I want to remember Landon that small. I am sure that I'll experience holding my nephew soon enough, but I want to remember holding my son. Maybe this is why women keep having children... I don't know. But as I realized this yesterday and felt a little bit of loss.

As I continued sorting I realized that some of the clothes he never wore... and others he wore time and time again. I even have those little shoes and can't imagine his size 10 foot... let alone big toe... fit into those anymore. So I was struck again by how quickly time goes by. It doesn't seem that Landon will be turning 3 years old next week. Instead it seems like he should still be in diapers (I'm not saying I wish for that stage again...) and giving me a gummy grin. Perhaps I'm in a "baby-hungry stage" due to all the tiny baby clothes and blankets and shoes I saw yesterday night as I was reminiscing... but to be honest I know that I am not going to have a baby anytime soon and that saddens me. I see my sister going through the stages of pregnancy and looked down the other day to realize that the "muffin top" (that my sister-in-law, Kimber, described in her blog) was NOT a little one growing inside me... but some extra toning that I need to do.

Leah (finally!) looks pregnant now... albeit barely for being 5 months along. Leah and Thomas have already named their little guy. I have to admit that when I heard the name I laughed (which I unintentionally hurt Thomas' feelings with)... but since then it's really grown on me and now I'm not sure I'd like any other name they might have chosen. This little man's name is going to be Drake (?Unknown Yet) Linton. Thomas picked it out (which is the cause of the hurt feelings) and it has to do with something hunting... a male duck of sorts or something. I am excited about this little guy coming into the world and being a part of his family at home for now. I am excited to be able to touch Leah's belly soon and feel Drake kicking and squirming. I am excited about the trip to the hospital and the hours in the delivery room. But most of all I'm excited about taking those first pictures of Drake and his mom and dad. To capture those moments so he can look back on them after he's older and see that day. I am excited to hold him and welcome him to a very new world he'll soon be aclimated to. To have a baby that newly born is like having something from heaven right in your arms. Makes me wish that babies could talk and tell us things they know and see.

The Surprised Thanks

Today I was sitting at my desk and thinking about all the crap that's happened the last week... and yes this is only Tuesday... so yesterday felt like an entire week to me! It was SOOOO bad. It started on Sunday night when I got a call from the funeral director asking if I had scheduled someone for the viewing that night. Ugh! I hadn't and tried to call someone in, but to no avail. So Monday morning comes and I walk in to find the FD Manager folding folders. It dawns on me a couple of minutes later that he's doing this because I forgot to put the folders in jackets with bands around them! Then come to find out that the cap panel we ordered for the family didn't come in, the flowers got delivered across the street rather than to us, and the decedant's glasses couldn't be found.... so the situation went from bad to worse within minutes. And this is all happening as the service is right across the street from my place of work in an hour!

To say the least, I and the funeral director dropped the ball on many things. I was mortified that this had happened and I didn't see how I could have forgotten and slipped up on some of these things. So to say the least my Monday was horrible and it took everything for me not to sit and cry at my desk throughout the day.

I come into work today in a better mood because today couldn't be as bad as the day before. I also knew that I was going to see the Husband of the decedant today when he came in to pay his bill. I was worried that he would be mad (which he had EVERY right to be) and would yell at me or give me the silent treatment and make me feel more horrible and awkward than I already felt...

But what happened when he came in really touched me...

He came walking through the door and I smiled and greeted him. He laughed and pointed to my cinnimon rolls that a friend had given me on my desk (the other day he came in and cookies were on my desk) and he asked if that was the snack for the day. I replied that I always had something to eat at work and offered him some. He declined, but sat down and wrote out a check then was on his way in a few minutes time from walking in to walking out.

Little did I know that I would be seeing him about 10 minutes later as he walked back in with a container of Double Chocolate Chunk Cookies. He placed them on my desk and said this, which I hope to never forget, "Autumn. You are a ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark place. Thank you." Then he turned and left. I sat here and fought tears from falling, but they didn't listen. I was touched. Here was a man that had endured all my mistakes and was bringing me back something and thanking me. I didn't feel worthy of his praise to say the least. But I was grateful and touched all the same.

This has been a very fulfilling day and I hope that I don't forget it soon. There are days that I have a hard time in my job and the situations and people we serve, but now I have something special to recall when I hit those moments.

I want to thank you Mr. Kenning for your kind remarks and your act of gratitude. It really meant the world to me. God bless you and your family during this difficult time in your life. I pray for your comfort and happiness.

Waterpark Adventures

My good friend, Tiffany, moved into the duplex I was living in after I moved into my sister's house. She is now located in the perfect spot during the summer. Why you ask? Because it's less than a half mile to the kids water park which is located next to the library. It has a rose demonstration garden which master gardeners care for and is amazingly beautiful and it's all around just the best place to bring kids and have them have fun while you sit and chat/catch up with a friend.

Although on this day I didn't expect to go to the water park as you can tell by Landon running around in his underwear instead of swimming trunks. :)



This is Landon's really good friend, Nicole. She's awesome and loves to play with Landon. They have all sorts of fun together finding rolly-pollies, playing on the swing, riding bikes, racing up and down the lawn, and playing at the water park together.




Landon was really weary about getting in the water at first because he's not been there since last year when he didn't like it one bit, but when he saw Nicole running back and forth through the water I think it caught on that if she's having so much fun getting wet that he would too. So off he went and we had to pull them out of there to go to the rose garden soaking wet... thank goodness I still had some dry clothes to put on him.



The rose garden is totally geared to kids too. It has scarecrows, boats, teacups that are plant pots, castles, a sand box, and pretty much everything you could think of. The kids have a Blast when we go there. They love to look at everything and of course to stop and smell the roses once in a while too after seeing their mommies doing it. :)





This would be me and Landon beside Tiffany and Nicole. This day was so much fun.
Then we moved to the goldfish pond...





Whenever Landon and Nicole get together it's hard to get a shot of both of them Looking at the camera and of Landon NOT making some sign or signal with his hands... but we did... along with those that were funny and unrehearsed.





All in all, it was fun. The kids were beat at the end of it and Landon fell asleep that night in record time. He crawled in bed and I went to get something and came back and he was out! hahaha, I guess that when little boys play hard, they crash hard too. :)

My BFF - Alanna

So my best friend, Alanna (Anderson) Longhurst, has been griping about me having that old picture of us together on my blog. She doesn't like how she looks (which NONE of us do after we have just had kids) and so I told her I would replace it, but the picture that I have to replace it with doesn't have us with our kids... So I thought I would just add it to the blog as a new and better picture of the two of us.

Alanna is amazing. She took me in when I came back to Quincy after living in Missouri for 3 years and was my saving grace in a way. I didn't know anyone and had been gone for 3 year and so you can just imagine the lost feeling I had. She took me back without a bat of her eye and it was like I had never left. She is amazing and I remember her practicing her voice lessons. I used to hate her singing exercises because they were so LOUD and ANNOYING... but after I moved out of her house and we moved onto college and didn't see each other as much, I found myself missing those times and even her piercing voice lessons. :)

Alanna was the one who always made me laugh... even in the morning at 7am when we were just waking up. She would roll over to chat and immediately start laughing because my breath smelled so bad from the pickles I had ate the night previous that she couldn't stand to have me next to her and shoved me out of the bed! hahaha Or the time I went over to her house and used linen napkins for the first time... that night I had Alanna rolling because I used my napkin to wipe my runny nose and clean my plate off for dessert when I thought no one was looking. Those times were funny.

Or the time that she took me horseback riding right after I got back from St. Louis and planted a seed for the love of horses I now have. She sang the first country song I've ever heard (Tim McGraw's "She had BBQ Stains on her white T-Shirt. She was killing me in that mini-skirt. Skipping rocks on the river by the railroad tracks..." Do you know the one I'm talking about?) and now I'm hooked on country. She got me onto the Cross-Country Team and was there the first race I competed in when I got lost in the Leavenworth Forest.

Alanna has been there when I needed a friend to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or vent my frustrations to. She took me out of my bubble of shyness and helped me become the woman I am today. She was there every Sunday at church with me growing up and we would take turns playing with one another's backs during Sacrament Meetings.

She is an amazing woman. She's a wife and mother now and I have to say she's on heck of an amazing lady. She is funny, articulate, passionate, hotter-than-snot when mad, patient, kind, always ready to give a piece of her mind or advise to you.... and I am really truly lucky to be able to call her my best friend. She inspires me to become better; and I love the fact that even when I know I have to do something, it's only when she vocalizes it to me that it really clicks. I miss her a ton since high school and we have lived at a distance from one another. She is down in Utah right now and might be moving to California soon and I'm here in good ol' Washington. But we find ways to see each other and "catch up" even though it doesn't seem like enough time in the day to do so.

I love you Alanna and want to thank you for all the years that you've been there for me and pushed me to do better or be something more. On more than one occasion you kept me on the straight and narrow, made me laugh when I wanted to cry, and have really given so much in friendship that I hope to have given back just a portion. Thank you for being strong and for being you no matter what the circumstance was. You're awesome!

Big Surprise to Me!

I was over at my apartment in May cleaning out the last of my belongings to move into storage or my sister and brother-in-law's house (Leah and Thomas), when Thomas asks me if I saw anything in their bathroom when I went in there yesterday to curl my bangs. I told him that I hadn't. He then told me something that I was not expecting to hear and am so excited about.
Leah is pregnant.

I guess that when I went into the bathroom they had a couple of pregnancy tests there on the top of their toilet and Leah and Thomas were sure I'd seen them, but I didn't. They hadn't told anyone yet and weren't planning on telling the family for another 3 weeks (the first week of June) when Leah would be 3 months along. Her due date is December 16th and Thomas and Leah both hope it's going to be a boy... but will be happy if it's a girl too.

I was totally taken back, because for a long while Leah and Thomas have always been opposite on wanting to have another one. Leah would want one and Thomas wouldn't. Thomas would want one and Leah wouldn't. The latter one was true for these last few months. So when Thomas told me that they were expecting I was in shock. I was happy beyond belief. I just didn't see this coming. Thomas said when he found out he was laughing and jumping up and down.

**Warning**
This will be a very LONG, REFLECTIVE email.


You see I look at this as an opportunity for me to undo all the hurt I caused Leah when she had Linzey at 15. I will illustrate it so you know what exactly I mean when I say that... for all of those who don't know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found out that Leah was pregnant when I was a Senior in High School. I was on the verge of turning 18 and remember it like yesterday when I heard the news from my mom. I was standing in Mr. Stagg's science classroom and after I was told the news from my mom, I remember not even able to make it off the phone without bawling. I turned to Mr. Stagg and told him I had to leave (not sure if he caught what I was trying to say) and ran out of the classroom. It was break between classes so the hallways were full of teens. I dashed to the nearest bathroom, and collapsed on the floor of the nearest open stall (as disgusting as that sounds I didn't care at the moment) and bawled... I didn't care that there were 5 other girls in the bathroom. I just was angry and hurt. Angry that my sister could go against everything she was raised to know was wrong and do it anyway. I was angry that she would do this to our mom. I was angry that I was the only one in the family that was actively attending church and waiting to have physical intimacy. I was just plain angry and hurt. Not even a minute after I had entered the bathroom, my best friend, Alanna, called my name and I let her in the stall. The other girls had exited the bathroom by this time. Alanna asked me what was wrong! I told her that my sister's test came back positive. She looked at me and I won't ever forget the horror on her face as she said, "She's tested positive for AIDS?!?!?!" I quickly informed her that it was NOT that, but being pregnant. To sum it up she composed me enough for me to wait outside the classroom as she got my items and checked me out of school and drove me to the park where we talked and ate lunch.

Now I will give you a brief synopsis of the following few months... I gave Leah and Thomas 2 complete weeks of silent treatment and couldn't even stand to be in the same room with them. That finally broke when I went off on her AND Thomas about being raised to know that what they did was wrong and letting them know I couldn't believe that they did it anyways. Then the following few months I was not a pleasure to live with when it came to my sister. I remember yelling at her (which we did before she was prego, but it intensified), telling her to take my clothes off that she had borrowed up to that point, and moving out of the house because I was the only one who didn't stay up all night because of not having to go to school in the morning.

Leah didn't allow anyone inside her delivery room besides my mom and her coach. So that left Jenny, Misty and I outside in the waiting area for hours waiting... and waiting... until the nurse told us Linzey was about to be born and we headed to the door of Leah's room. We were trying to peak in, but there was a curtain and with 3 of us it wasn't happening... until the nurse at the last minute pulled the curtain so we could see and then we all turned into blubbering idiots in the hallway when Linzey Jade Linton was born.

Just a little over a week later, I was in a car accident on my 18th birthday. I wasn't driving, but it totaled both vehicles and one of the guys in the other car ended up with a broken arm amongst other bruises and scraps resulting from the rollover and their car landing on its top. Ironically we were heading to get a snowboard from a ward member to borrow for me to go snowboarding the following day. I had never been before so I was so stoked for going and with some of my best friends. After the accident, besides a little soreness and bruises, I was still determined to go. And go I did. I had bruises on my bruises and found that I am not coordinated enough to have both my feet stuck to a board attempting to stand up, let alone glide down the hill without falling down. hahaha yeah... it whooped me pretty good. Haven't tried it since...

But back to the story... It was just a week or so after Leah had Linzey and I come romping into the house to grab something. Unbeknown to me, Leah was actually trying to breast-feed and was exposed as I came ambling into the house with 3 friends. So she is trying to throw a blanket over herself to be modest and let people know what she's doing because they want to see Linzey.

I moved back into the house soon afterwards and at night when I was awoken by tiny Linzey's constant cries, I remember thinking to myself, "Good! She deserves everything she gets for going and getting pregnant!" and then falling back to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I look back on those times and am truly horrified by my lack of compassion, empathy and service that I could have rendered or tried to render to my sister. I look now and realize that Leah was only 15! She wasn't even old enough to drive and yet she had a baby. The baby she had was extremely colicky and cried most every night all through the night. Linzey was also having a VERY hard time breastfeeding and Leah ended up having mastitis 3 times before she stopped breast feeding when Linzey was 9 months old. Leah also watched her nephew during the day to try to earn some money to buy the diapers and whatnot she needed. Thomas was up at Job Corps. in Curlew, which is up by the Canadian border, getting trained to be a carpenter so he could provide for his very new and young family. Leah had just a couple of close friends that came to see her. She stopped coming to church because she felt like she was being judged and talked about. And yet I continued to pester her and add to the things she had to bear.

It wasn't until I was in college that our relationship went from not being able to barely stand each other to friendship. And since then it's grown into being very close friends and sisters. I have apologized profusely for my treatment of my sister and brother-in-law. I am ashamed of how self-centered I was on top of my judgmental attitude.

So when I heard this news of them being pregnant again... I knew this was going to be different from last time. I find myself making sure that the dishwasher is loaded, counters wiped off, food put away, house picked up, clothes ready to be folded the minute I get to sit down, her bed made (if it's not already), more clothes in the washer/dryer, something heated up for her to eat, and the kids in pjs when she gets home from work, so that Leah can do whatever she wants... which usually tends to be fall asleep as we all sit down to watch tv as I fold clothes and visit.

I know that this pregnancy and beginning months will be different. When Leah is waking up during the night and finds herself wondering how she can do it... I will be there to tell her to go to sleep and let me take care of the little one for a few hours. Or when she can't stand the way the house is but doesn't have the energy to do what needs to be done, I will be the one helping to clean it as she naps.

I know I can't undo what has already been done, even though I wish I could.
I just have to be better this time.



I love my sister, Leah, very much. I look up to her as a woman, a wife, a sister, and a daughter I want to be more like. She is not just my sister now, she is my best friend. She is one that talks sense into me and picks me up on my worst days. She is always there for me and helps me to improve my self-image and find the best bargain items at value village. She has me eating better, exercising more, and going to bed sooner. She is even converting me to wheat bread instead of white. She inspires me to be a better person and sister. :o)

I am excited about this little one growing and joining us in December. I am excited about seeing Leah grow and change and soon have that pregnant glow. I am excited to be able to share my prego clothes (doesn't look like I'll be needing them anytime soon anyways! :)) and to have some words of advice for her along the way during those low days where you're feet swell and you just want to be normal again. I have some things that I didn't have last time... I have sympathy and experience now.